This month's blog is an excerpt from my book, From Guilt to Grace: Hope and Healing for Christian Moms of Addicted Children. Chapter 3-Mistaken Identity addresses how the stress of fighting our loved one's addiction affects our identity as mothers and women of faith.
"For if you listen to the word and don't obey it, it is like glancing at yourself in the mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like." James 1:24 NLT
Understanding Our Identity
The Woman in the Mirror
When our children struggle with life-destructive addictions, as their mothers, we can become entrenched in trying to save their lives. If we are not careful, our lives will become so enmeshed with theirs, we will lose ourselves somewhere along the way. Some people have more stoic and reserved personalities, while others are highly emotional and volatile. One is not better than the other. It is just our make-up. Some have boundless energy, while others exhaust easily. It’s wise to understand that just because our friend, Sally, is a super-mom and gets by on caffeine and three hours sleep doesn’t mean we can do the same. Doing so might land us in the hospital. The stress put on us when our children are self-destructing is intense, and if we aren’t careful, our bodies will suffer under its weight. There is no way around it.
Addiction certainly took its toll on me. Although outwardly I appeared to be fine, on the inside I was falling apart. I was all tied up in knots, easily overwhelmed, and found it hard to focus. By the grace of God, I made it to work every day and could perform my job responsibilities. But addiction hijacked my mind, my peace, and my sense of purpose. It felt as though I had been taken hostage and replaced by a stranger. I had imposter syndrome, feeling like a big phony in all areas of my life. Perhaps you are feeling this way as well.
One area hardest hit was my faith. I wrestled with God, demanding answers to questions like, “Where are You in this mess?” I was born with an amazing resilience to withstand very difficult circumstances. My faith kept me going because I always believed things were going to get better. Addiction stole that from me. I was no longer empowered by my faith. Instead, I lived with an ongoing sense of doubt and unbelief.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalms 34:18 NIV
When We Find Our Identity in Others
I finally accepted my hopelessness when I reached the point of believing I would never be happy again unless my children were happy. They say a mother is only as happy as her most unhappy child. That was my motto, for sure. Stubbornly, I decided God could not work on me unless He first saved my son. The way I performed as his mother shaped my sense of identity and self-worth. I can trace this longing in my heart back to my childhood. My feelings of worth were based on my performance. While my dad often referred to my sister as “Miss America,” he reinforced my need to perform well in school, as I was the “brains” of the family. However, while I embraced the challenges of earning good grades, I longed to be wearing the diamond tiara.
Once I had kids of my own, I still measured self-worth based on my performance. Whether it was their public behavior, grades in school, or how they treated their friends, I saw every action and attitude on their part as a reflection of my job performance in the mothering department. When drugs entered the equation, well, that was when I knew for sure I was failing miserably. It was bad enough I allowed this to happen right under my nose. The least I should have been able to do was fix this. I lived by the mantra, “Fail your child, disappoint God. Save your child, earn God’s favor.”
A crushing sense of personal responsibility, shame, and guilt had stolen the truth from me, the truth that the Lord’s favor is not something to be earned. Because I didn’t understand His grace, I lost sight of who I was. This beloved daughter of the Most-High King forgot her identity and that He created her in His image. I was fragile, broken, and powerless to save myself. I convinced myself I would be this way forever.
“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.” 1 Peter 2:9 NIV
Our True Identity in Christ
It was years into our journey before I began to see myself through Christ's eyes. I didn’t understand that my identity is found in Jesus, not on whether I receive a passing or failing score as a mother. I knew in my head that my child’s behavior did not define my identity, but my heart was slow to follow. Something had to give if I was going to get rid of the guilt and shame I was carrying once and for all. I immersed myself in the scriptures and discovered the truth of who God says I am. When I forgot my identity, I clung to His Word and reminded myself that I am His because He loves me. I am His daughter because He redeemed me and calls me by name.
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine” (Isaiah 43:1b ESV).
Likewise, when Jesus looks at you, He sees His daughter. He calls you by your name, not by your job title. Your worth is not based on who you are or what you do, but on “Whose” you are. And you, dear sister, are a daughter of the Creator of the Universe. There is nothing you have to do to earn God’s favor. Because of His grace, you no longer have to strive to earn His acceptance. That’s the beauty of grace. It’s not what we do, but what God does, that restores us from our state of brokenness.
Dear Jesus.
Thank you for creating me in your image. Instead of seeing myself through your eyes, instead I see myself as broken. When I look in the mirror, I see all my mistakes and failures. I forget I’ve been fearfully and wonderfully made by you. Thank you for reminding me of who I am in you—a daughter of the King.
Amen.
Excerpt taken from the book, From Guilt to Grace: Hope and Healing for Christian Moms of Addicted Children by Dawn R. Ward, published on September 17, 2024. Available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble.
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Crown Image from Canva: Tomertu from Getty Images