Note: This blog discusses establishing Biblical boundaries. Scroll to the bottom to access your free study guide. I am not a licensed mental health professional. Any advice given results from my experience as a mother of an addicted child and what I learned through biblical study and Christian counseling. Please contact a licensed family addiction specialist to help you with your individual situation.
“The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.” Psalms 16:6 CSB
Are Boundaries God’s idea?
To answer this question, we should first understand the meaning of the word “boundary.”
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, a boundary is “something that indicates or fixed a limit or extent.”
With this is mind, let’s see how the Bible defines the word "boundary."
Boundaries According to the Bible
The Hebrew word for a boundary is "chebel." The same word is also called “cords” in Job 36:8.
“If people are bound with chains and trapped by the cords of affliction, God tells them what they have done and how arrogantly they have transgressed. He opens their ears to correction and tells them to repent from iniquity.” Job 36:8-10 CSB
In these verses, we learn that this “cord” is a literal cord or rope, especially a measuring line, that marks districts and property lines. It also represents a noose to lead an animal or cords that would hold prisoners or a chain gang together.
In Psalms 16, David describes these cords or boundaries as falling in “pleasant places,” giving God’s people a beautiful inheritance, his blessings.
However, in Job 36, we see them entrapping the sinner in his affliction. It is at this place of bondage to their sins, the Lord opens their ears to His correction.
By continuing to research what the Bible says about God’s boundaries, we learn that while at times they may seem pleasant to us, there are also times when they may feel like they are extreme, harsh, or used as a punishment. But when God establishes a boundary, we can trust that they are always for our good.
When the Lord sets a boundary in place, it is for our safety and security. We often see His boundaries as a list of do’s and don’ts, instead of seeing them as a hedge of protection.
As we look at Biblical boundaries, we should consider where we want to settle. More importantly, we should contemplate where God wants us to settle. What do I mean by this?We can recognize the Lord’s boundaries as His rules by which we are to live. We can choose to worship and obey Him or we can choose to disobey His commandments. When we set boundaries with our loved ones, we have to make the same decisions. Boundaries are a given. It’s just a matter of which side we choose to stand on.
“But if it doesn’t please you to worship the Lord, choose for yourselves today: Which will you worship — As for me and my family, we will worship the Lord.” Joshua 24:15 CSB
Let me ask you a question. Where will you settle? Will you stay within the boundaries the Lord has established to bless and protect you, or will you be pulled along by cords, chained to a child or spouse who is entrenched in sin and defying the Lord and His commandments? Will you choose to serve the Lord when it means possibly sacrificing your relationship as you know it with your struggling loved one?
Are Boundaries Really Necessary?
When our loved ones are rebellious against the commandments of God, the challenge for us is to avoid entering into that sinful behavior with them.
“Now, wait a minute, Dawn,” you might be thinking. “What if my child or spouse has an addiction to substances or a mental health issue? What if they can’t help themselves?”
If their lives are controlled by addiction, we understand they have a physical dependence on a substance. They will most likely need help and support to conquer their bondage to drugs or alcohol. If they have mental health issues that need medical attention, we can help encourage them to get that help. In either case, there is a heart issue between them and God if they feel that wrong behaviors or attitudes are ever okay or justified. It is here we can help them to understand that what they are doing to themselves and others goes against what the Lord desires for their lives.
Posturing our rebellious or self-destructive family member as a victim is of no help to them at all. It puts us in a place of judging God’s statutes as wrong or unfair. It also enables them to stay stuck in dangerous and reckless patterns. We need to remember that the Bible never makes an allowance for sinning against God or harming themselves or others.
“Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.” James 1:13-15 ESV
If we excuse sin in our own homes, perhaps if our addicted child is stealing from us, lying to us, or physically or verbally abusing us, and we do not set a boundary against it, we are enabling them to sin. Remember, their sin is against God, so they have to answer to Him for their decisions and behaviors.
We can not control their actions, nor should we try. But we can choose to not allow dangerous or sinful behaviors in our homes. We can step back and trust the Lord if He allows the painful consequences necessary to bring them to a place of repentance and a willingness to ask for help.
"For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another." Galatians 5:13 ESV
While this is painful for us as their families, we should remind ourselves that disengaging from damaging or dangerous behavior does not mean we are disconnecting from or are abandoning our prodigal. We can continue to pray for them and love them, but with healthy boundaries and from a safe distance, emotionally or physically, if necessary.
I realize setting boundaries and enforcing them is a challenging subject to discuss. It may seem borderline harsh or judgmental. We can’t begin to scratch the surface of what the Bible says on the subject of boundaries in this short blog. What we can do is make up our minds to decide to serve God no matter what the cost.
We can ask the Lord to show us how to establish the boundaries for our relationships as we choose to trust Him. This may be very hard, even painful. Sometimes loving our struggling loved ones doesn’t feel very loving. When we love someone with the sacrificial love of Christ, it requires us to trust that He loves them and will take care of them. This is where we have to put our faith in God. It’s not about being right or acting self-righteously. It’s about honoring a righteous God.
"Better is open rebuke than hidden love." Proverbs 27:5 ESV
Are you feeling the need today to establish some boundaries in your home? Are you at a place of surrendering control and trusting the Lord to do His transforming work in the lives of your family? If so, begin by asking the Lord to show you any wrong mindsets or sinful attitudes you may have concerning your relationship with your loved one.
Don’t rush in and start making threats or laying down boundaries that are impossible to keep. Instead, wait on the Lord. Ask Him to prepare your own heart. Ask Him to fill you with His love for your addicted family member.
“Let all that you do be done in love.” 1 Corinthians 16:14 ESV
In an upcoming blog, we will look at wrong attitudes we carry that may hinder how we establish biblical boundaries. (You can also find this information in my free resource, How to Set Biblical Boundaries with Your Addicted Child Study Guide. See the information below.)
Until then, let’s begin by asking the Lord to show us where He wants us to settle and what that will look like in our families.
Dear Lord.
We confess we don’t always trust you with our loved ones. We are afraid. We are angry. We think we know what’s best. We decide what’s best for them and for us without consulting you first. Please forgive us and prepare our hearts. We choose to not rush in to fix or establish boundaries too quickly. Instead we wait on you to lead us. We praise you.
In Jesus’ name.
Amen.
Receive your free How to Set Biblical Boundaries with Your Addicted Child Study Guide by Dawn R. Ward, author of From Guilt to Grace: Hope and Healing for Christian Moms of Addicted Children
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