How to Establish Boundaries with Our Addicted Loved Ones

Note: This blog, part two in our two-part series, discusses establishing Biblical boundaries. Be sure to scroll to the bottom to access your free study guide. Please be aware that I am not a licensed mental health professional. Any advice given results from my experience as a mother of an addicted child and what I learned through biblical study and Christian counseling. Please contact a licensed family addiction specialist to help you with your individual situation.

"Let all that you do be done in love." 1 Corinthians 16:14 ESV

Rules for Establishing Boundaries with Our Addicted Loved Ones

In Part One of our Biblical Boundaries blog series, we discussed why we need boundaries in our relationships with our struggling children and family members. Now that we determined if and when we need boundaries, we will focus how to establish boundaries with our addicted loved ones.

We first need to learn how to establish biblical boundaries. In order to make wise decisions concerning boundaries, begin by following these four rules.

Practice Wisdom When Setting Boundaries

Rule 1: Choose Your Battles (and Your Boundaries) Wisely.

“Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God — who gives to all generously and ungrudgingly — and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith without doubting. For the doubter is like the surging sea, driven and tossed by the wind.” James 1:5-6 CSB

Always begin with prayer.
Search your own heart, and ask the Lord to show you any wrong thoughts or attitudes. Confess these before starting.
Pray for wisdom and guidance from God as you consider what boundaries to establish.
Make a list of every boundary you are considering establishing. Write them down on paper. This is called brain-dumping. You don’t have to establish all of them now, but you want to write them down.
Put the boundaries into categories. For example.
*Substance use: No drugs allowed, no smoking, smoking only outside.

*Curfew: Weekdays - 10:00 pm, weekends 11:00. Call if you’re going to be late.

*Household duties: Keep room clean, do laundry, do yard work, take out trash.

*Financial: Carry your own load, pay rent, pay car insurance, get a job.

*Self-care: Shower daily, keep hair cut and clean, and wear clean clothes daily.

*Respect: No swearing. Show respect parents and other family members.

*House rules: No violence or verbal abuse. No uninvited guests.

*Sobriety: Attend church, attend meetings, go to counseling.

(These are just some examples. You can add as many as you want)

Here is where you will divide these into priorities. Instead of trying to enforce all of them at once, pray over the list. Cross off or set aside ones that are not a priority. Consider where your son or daughter is in the addiction journey.

Maybe making their bed every day isn’t a priority right now but getting dressed and brushing their teeth is.
Perhaps finding a job and maintaining it is a higher priority than pulling weeds.
If you must get up early, and they are bringing people over at all hours of the day and night, this might be a boundary that needs established right away.

Some of the boundaries I have suggested may seem petty in light of the problems addiction has brought into your family, but by avoiding majoring in the minors, you can establish clear boundaries with realistic expectations and consequences if they are not followed.

Begin by rating your boundaries from lowest to highest. Highest being those of top priority. Then pick the top five or six and set the rest aside. This will mean choosing to look the other direction if those aren’t followed. It doesn’t mean you can’t ask them to do things for you or to follow household rules. It just means that those aren’t your main focus right now. For now, only implement boundaries that you cannot live without.

Ask for God's Help When Setting Boundaries

Rule 2: Make Boundaries You Can Keep

“Above all, my brothers and sisters, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or with any other oath. But let your “yes” mean “yes,” and your “no” mean “no,” so that you won’t fall under judgment.” James 5:12 CSB

Next, we will look at how to establish boundaries you can keep. By now you should have written down several boundaries that you consider a priority, ones that need to be implemented immediately.

Before implementing boundaries, you will need to understand that unenforced boundaries are nothing more that empty threats. By now, our children know when we mean business and when we are making threats we never intend to go through with.

As you consider the boundaries you plan to establish, ask yourself these questions: (Let’s use the example of a son or daughter who is being rude, disrespectful, lying, and stealing).

Does the boundary honor God?
Does the boundary honor you as the parent?
Is the boundary reasonable?
Is my loved one capable of adhering to the boundary?
Can I keep the boundary, or will I make excuses and relinquish when it becomes too difficult to enforce?
What will be the consequence if the boundary is broken one, two, or even three times?

"Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), "that it may go well with you and that you may live in the land." Ephesians 6:2-3 ESV

Back to our example: Look over each of the boundaries you are considering. Since your adult child is sinning against the Lord by their behavior, regardless of the excuse, it is reasonable to make a boundary around that behavior. Are they capable of adhering to the boundary? Showing respect to their parents is commanded by God, so yes, they can do anything that the Lord requires of them. If you set a boundary that is biblical and honors God, He will give you the strength, words, and ability to enforce it.

Consequences should fit the violation. Is their behavior illegal? Is it risky or dangerous? Are they just being lazy? Boundaries necessitate allowing for natural consequences or us enforcing a consequence if necessary. Not easy, I know. But the Lord will give you the grace and love to do what is in the best interest of your loved one.

Review your boundaries and these questions before moving forward. Remember, if you are married, that both you and your spouse need to be willing to enforce any established boundaries prior to making a final plan.

Next, we will consider how to communicate these boundaries to our loved ones.

Practice What You Preach

Rule 3: Talk the Talk and Walk the Walk

“A fool despises his father’s discipline, but a person who accepts correction is sensible.” Proverbs‬ ‭15:5‬ ‭CSB‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

Time to talk about how to implement the boundaries you have established for your addicted child or loved one. Here’s where you will need to have your conversation seasoned with grace in order to firmly but lovingly restore them.

Remember the following guidelines when attempting to establish boundaries.

If they are active in their addiction, don’t try to establish too many boundaries. They won’t keep them. (Remember, we talked about setting realistic boundaries in the last section? If they are in active addiction, the only boundary you can set is to expect them to stay drug free, and they need treatment to do that. However, inpatient or outpatient treatment could be considered a required boundary for your continued help.)
If they are newly sober and clean, this is the best time to implement boundaries to help them stay the course.
If they are showing signs of a possible relapse or heading that way, increase or tighten up the boundaries.
Do not discuss boundaries when you are angry or as a threat or form of punishment. Give everyone a chance to cool off before bringing up the subject.
Begin the conversation with prayer.
Begin the conversation with a positive. This may be hard to come up with, but there should be something.
Start with a question. Example: “How do you think you are doing with your job hunt?” “How do you feel your attitude has been around here lately?”
Wait for the answer. Listen carefully. Is there some validity to their answer? If so, acknowledge where they are right prior to discussing your concerns and resulting boundaries.
Clarify the boundary and consequence clearly. Boundary-“You agreed to look for work. Because you have not attempted to look for a job, we feel that charging you rent will cause you to take your job search more seriously.” Consequence - “Effective the first of the month, you will owe us $500. If you cannot pay it, you will need to leave our home within one week, one month...”
Remember that these boundaries are just threats if you do not plan to keep them. Do not feel guilty for setting boundaries that are fair and realistic.

As you discuss these boundaries, keep your tone calm but firm. If the conversation gets heated, take a break and come back in a few hours to finish the discussion, but do finish it. Expect pushback. This will not make your loved one happy.

If your loved one is still active in their addiction, especially if they are using dangerous or illegal drugs in your home, this cannot be managed or policed. It simply should not be going on in your home. From my experience, do not try to set boundaries because they won’t follow them. If this is an addicted adult child, an ultimatum is necessary. Rehab or not, staying in your home is not an option.

An addicted spouse who is doing drugs in your home or being abusive? In my opinion, one of you needs to go. Boundaries are impossible to make and keep during active addiction. They will come later when reconciling your relationship once they’re sober.

If you’re not ready to enforce boundaries, wait. See a counselor or get group support. But don’t wait too long. If you do, you are procrastinating on something that needs to be done sooner than later.

The Lord desires to see your loved one free from addiction and from a rebellious or disrespectful attitude. Setting boundaries will either help them get there or reveal hearts that are not ready for change. Remember that enforcing biblical boundaries honors God and helps to build healthy relationships.

Patience When Establishing Boundaries

Rule 4: Be Patient – It Takes Time

“Rejoice in hope; be patient in affliction; be persistent in prayer.” Romans 12:12 CSB

Often when we begin to set boundaries around the behaviors of our addicted loved ones, things will get worse for a period of time. Who would think that we would have to actually exercise our boundaries? Why won’t they listen and take us seriously?

The truth is no one by nature likes boundaries. Adam and Eve certainly did not like it when God placed a boundary around the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Then He set another boundary when they were removed from the Garden, never to enter it again, setting angels to guard its entrance. I am certain Israel was sadly disappointed when the Lord placed a boundary around the Promise Land. An entire generation would die off before the Israelites would be able to call it “Home.”

Boundaries that support biblical principles are worth setting. But convincing ourselves of their significance is a challenge. We feel guilty when we enforce boundaries because we believe we should not judge another person or force them to do something against their will. When we decide it’s time to implement boundaries, we often do so reluctantly and with much self-doubt.

My advice is don’t establish boundaries you can’t or won’t keep. Don’t set boundaries that you will easily vacillate over. When you set a boundary, you will need to firmly establish in your mind that this is God ordained and right for you and your addicted loved one.

"Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" Psalm 27:14 ESV

Seeing the fruit of your efforts requires patience. You will need endurance. It may take weeks, months, or even years to reap the harvest. But waiting is not a reason to give up. Often the benefits of boundaries show up in unexpected and unpredictable ways.

When you see the situation not improving, or even getting worse, you will need patient endurance. Trust the Lord with the process. Be obedient and faithful as you wait on the Lord to work in the life of your prodigal. In the process, He will be teaching you patient endurance with a beautiful harvest of hope.

“And not only that, but we also boast in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. This hope will not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” Romans 5:3-5 CSB

Remember, above all else, do everything in love. This is a painful journey we are on as parents of children who struggle with addiction. Regardless of whether or not we get this boundaries thing right, we are called first and foremost to love them as Jesus loves us. Our responsibility is to remind them of the faithful love Jesus has for them, so much so that He gave His life for them. We also need to remind ourselves that no matter how much we love our prodigal children, He loves them (and us) infinitely more. May this bless and encourage you as you seek to lovingly and biblically establish boundaries with your child.

"By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought also to lay down our lives for the brothers." 1 John 3:16 ESV

Dear Lord.

We confess we don’t always trust you with our loved ones. We are afraid. We are angry. We think we know what’s best. We decide what’s best for them and for us without consulting you first. Please forgive us and prepare our hearts. We choose to not rush in to fix or establish boundaries too quickly. Instead we wait on you to lead us. We praise you. In Jesus name.

Amen.

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Dawn R. Ward