The holidays can be challenging for everyone, especially if your loved one is struggling with mental illness. This month’s blog is by guest writer and friend, Amber Parker. (Note: The information provided here is not intended to replace professional medical and mental health treatment.)
“On the day I called, you answered me; my strength of soul you increased.” Psalm 138:3 ESV
Caregiving for your loved one doesn’t take a break during holidays or seasons when others may breathe easier. It is important to be supported and seen especially during times that are supposed to be “joyful” when life struggles to feel that way. And so, I share with you in order for you to be supported right now and throughout your year.
Fighting for the Life of My Loved One with Mental Illness
"Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13 ESV
For me, I have fought for my husband’s life through mental health crisis following combat trauma and PTSD. I have navigated the murky and chaotic waters of crisis caregiving and not having all the answers but being desperate to find the right treatment to help my loved one on his healing journey. I have researched and advocated in the medical and therapy spaces and prayed and cried aloud to my God for healing and protection over my loved one. If you are reading this, it’s likely your heart is heavy for your loved one also and you are walking through an excruciatingly painful and difficult battle for your loved one’s life and wellbeing. You want them to be better. You want to know how to help them. You are weary and overwhelmed. You may also feel alone and unseen as I did in the swirl that was mental crisis caregiving. Know that your role in caring for your loved one is vital and important.
I don’t offer a pat answer or spiritual platitude. Hear me when I say— What you are experiencing and feeling is fully valid and true. The reality of what you are facing is a fight beyond your abilities and capacity, or at least, I know mine was. We need God’s help in it. May my words be a support to you as you pursue the best for your loved one and try to support them, love them, advocate, and pray for them. May we walk together in this, friend.
May my words be a support to you as you pursue the best for your loved one and try to support them, love them, advocate, and pray for them. ~ Amber Parker
Leaning on Truth From the Bible
“Sustain me according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed.” Psalms 119:116 NIV
When I was going through an incredibly painful season with my loved one, one of the verses that brought me hope and strength was Psalms 119:116 which says: “Sustain me according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed.” That verse and its’ truths still speak to me significantly today.
In the midst of deep sorrow and the turmoil of wanting better for your loved one but having no control over their choices or decisions, it can be tempting to begin to give up hope.
For me, what sustained me and held me fast when I felt like I couldn’t continue further and my strength had run out was speaking Biblical truth over myself. I would read or remember verses from the Bible or listen to truth in worship songs when my mind couldn’t focus on reading verses in the Bible. Clinging to truth. Clinging to goodness.
Out of this holy pursuit of fighting for goodness and joy in the midst of deep difficulty and pain was birthed my blog, Choose Joy In the Midst.
What it Means to Choose Joy in the Midst
"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12 NIV
To choose joy in the midst is to fight for goodness and joy when life is good but especially when life is painful. Choosing joy is not ignoring or dismissing the difficult realities of your life but is a pursuit to keep going and rise above hardship and adversity. It is as small as intentionally noticing a hot cup of coffee, a beautiful sunrise, an encouraging song with just the right words, or a bill being paid when you weren’t sure if it could be. These are moments to acknowledge as moments of goodness and joy. I’m sure you have many small moments of joy in your own life too.
To choose joy in the midst is to also rise up and determine the difficult circumstances in your life will not take you down, your faith down, or your family down with them. It is a resilient stance standing on hope. I myself have pursued joy through my husband’s mental health battles as well as in navigating
emergencies for two of my children’s serious medical conditions. It isn’t easy, but choosing joy is life-giving and brings hope when your heart is heavy and your body is weary from caregiving.
Standing on the Promises of God
"For all the promises of God find their Yes in him. That is why it is through him that we utter our Amen to God for his glory." 2 Corinthians 1:20 ESV
What do you do when your heart aches and your own strength fails in the midst of caregiving?
You stand on the promises of God.
You cling to them and choose to believe them even when your feelings struggle to hold fast. You cling to the promises of God especially in heartache, especially when you don’t know the way forward in caring for your loved one. You have faith in the One who is faithful and trust that He sees you and He cares about you and your loved one.
God calls us to ask for wisdom when we don’t have it (see James 1:5). I’m so grateful that I have One I can turn to, that I’m not in my battle alone. I’m so grateful God doesn’t leave me nor forsake me. His word is true, and it does not come back void. I will choose to stand on the promise that He is working out good in my life. He is working for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28).
Pursuing Both Mental Health Therapy & Spiritual Warfare
"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:12 ESV
I didn’t see the good being worked out in my husband’s mental health for quite a long time, and the battle felt never-ending. There wasn’t an end in sight when we were in the middle of crisis caregiving & treatment. I pursued mental health healing,and I also leaned into fighting the spiritual battle that was before us too. I knew we were not just in a mental, emotional, and physical fight. There was a spiritual realm too.
We fight not against flesh and blood but against principalities and against the rulers of this dark world (see Ephesians 6:12). I prayed spiritual warfare prayers for my husband’s life, for wisdom for myself, for God to lead and guide us to the treatment that he needed to heal from the PTSD, trauma responses, and negative coping behaviors that had overtaken our life.
I discovered and pursued EMDR mental health therapy for my husband’s combat PTSD and trauma and suicidality, and it helped significantly in his healing. He also needed medication.
I did not ignore the psychological and medical needs my husband had by turning it into only a spiritual issue, saying that faith alone would save him. Yes, God could have healed him miraculously and fully from his mental health diagnoses if that was God’s will. While I believed that, I also had to do my part that God was leading me toward and pursue mental health treatment for him as well. I didn’t have to choose between the two. I pursued both. If it was cancer, I could stand in the knowledge of God using chemotherapy and radiation to heal while also believing God could give an outright miracle. They are not mutually exclusive stances. I could walk in faith and allow God to heal how He chose to.
Seeking Out Mental Health Therapy for Myself
"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7 NIV
I chose to care for myself as the caregiver as well. I did not ignore my own struggles and the way caregiving had changed me and affected me. Any significant experience we walk through will impact us. I myself have gone through EMDR therapy for processing emotional pain and memories as well as working through traumas that occurred during medical emergencies for my loved ones. I needed care also, and when I finally admitted that and pursued it, it was freeing. I could also have support. I could also process what occurred and its’ impact on me so it didn’t stay stuck, unable to move. I wanted to move beyond it, to heal from it. I didn’t want to live under its’ shadow anymore. I’m sure you also want to process some of the difficult experiences you’ve walked through as well. Be brave, friend.
A Word for the Holidays
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 NIV
I know the specific ache and grief that can be present during holidays when you grieve how things used to be and try to accept and navigate how things are now with mental illness. It’s okay to name the reality of what you are facing. It’s okay to decrease your to-do list and activities to protect your capacity and make room for your loved one’s symptoms and up and down struggles during the holidays.
You don’t have to dismiss the reality of your life to pretend life is rosy and perfect. You can hold the pain of what is with the hope of your desire of what could be. We can pray and ask the Lord for goodness. We can intentionally choose the activities and traditions that are the most meaningful for this year and say no to the rest in order to make room for rest and self-care. Please don’t burn yourself out trying to push yourself to do all the “things”. Give yourself grace this holiday season. Make room for health and rest. Don’t overburden your schedule. Make intentional choices, friend.
There can be breakdown and mental health challenges, worsening symptoms, and increased relational strain during the holidays. Don’t ignore it. Instead, plan for the potential of it occurring, while making room for caring well for yourself and your loved ones this year. Fight for goodness. Fight for life. Fight for health. You, friend, are a warrior, fighting for your loved one. Be wise as you fight for goodness. Intentionally choose joy in the midst of your struggles and ache. God has not forgotten you. He is still at work for good in your life.
Amber J. Parker is a writer, speaker, Physician Assistant, mom of 4, and caregiver/advocate for suicide prevention and trauma healing. She is the upcoming author (spring 2025) of a book for the primary caregiver of suicidality and trauma offering increased hope, resilience, and practical tools in the fight for their loved one’s life. This book comes out of her own personal story caring for her husband through mental crisis. Amber is the founder and CEO of Choose Joy In the Midst, LLC, a business and blog focused on faith and resiliency in hardship using the integration of faith and mental health to pursue healing. She shares truth from the Bible, neuroscience, and psychology through her blog choosejoyinthemidst.com. Follow her on Instagram and Facebook at @choosejoyinthemidst to stay connected.
From Guilt to Grace: Hope and Healing for Christian Moms of Addicted Children by Dawn R. Ward, published on September 17, 2024 is available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble.
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