This blog is written by our guest writer, Kirsten D. Samuel, who writes about healing after the trauma of betrayal.
“Your relatives, members of your own family— even they have betrayed you; they have raised a loud cry against you. Do not trust them, though they speak well of you.” Jeremiah 12:6 NIV
Betrayal trauma recovery is tricky.
Here’s the good news. It’s possible to thrive and heal after experiencing betrayal trauma.
However, you will need a professional's help to navigate the continual aftershocks. It’s tempting to think you can say sorry, forgive the other person, and then live life as usual. Wouldn’t that be lovely?
But it won’t work as well as you thought.
What is Betrayal Trauma?
Unlike other instances that require forgiveness, betrayal trauma shreds a relationship. This tearing apart isn’t a clean wound that sutures will fix. It’s more like jagged, frayed live tissue that requires rest, pain medication, elevation, compression, and ice to develop a new connection among the shredded pieces.
“Living life as usual" results in this betrayal trauma. You or he might have unrealized thought patterns, wounds, and secrets you might not know how to resolve. Each person must reconcile their issues before your relationship can build a strong foundation.
“Living life as usual" resulted in this betrayal trauma. You or he might have unrealized thought patterns, wounds, and secrets you might not know how to resolve."
~Kirsten D. Samuels
My husband and I discovered how tender and tenuous our relationship became after our betrayal trauma. You can read more about our story here.
Through the help of counselors and coaches, we uncovered and processed those secrets, wounds, and unhealthy thought patterns that created our shredded relationship.
How to Heal After Betrayal Trauma
Here’s what we discovered about building a STABLE foundation after betrayal.
Seek God.
A healthy relationship requires healthy individuals.
Only God can heal your inner secrets and wounds. The more time I spent reading the Bible, journaling, and listening to God, the more strength and peace I found.
If you aren’t used to reading the Bible daily, I suggest you start with the Gospel of John or the Psalms. Ask God to speak to you through the Bible passage you read that day. Make notes about what you discover.
Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him. Fear the Lord, you his holy people, for those who fear him lack nothing. The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. Psalm 34:8-10
2. Tell the truth.
Authentic, transparent communication takes work and practice. And this truth-telling adventure begins with yourself. Be honest about what has happened, how you feel, and what you desire for the future.
Words can bring life or death. Use truthful and grace-filled words to strengthen your relationships with yourself and others.
"Who may worship in your sanctuary, Lord? Who may enter your presence on your holy hill? Those who lead blameless lives and do what is right, speaking the truth from sincere hearts. Those who refuse to gossip or harm their neighbors or speak evil of their friends." Psalm 15:1-3
3. Accept personal responsibility.
Blaming someone else or circumstances for your angry outbursts or poor choices feels easier. However, you control you. Listen to your words (tell the truth).
Recognize what you can and cannot control if you are the betrayed one. You cannot make your partner change. Allow God to do the individual work in your partner while he does his miraculous work in you.
"Have mercy on me, O God, because of your unfailing love. Because of your great compassion, blot out the stain of my sins. Wash me clean from my guilt. Purify me from my sin. For I recognize my rebellion; it haunts me day and night." Psalm 51:1-3
4. Build healthy boundaries.
Safe relationships require healthy boundaries. You can be yourself around the other person. If you feel like you’re walking on eggshells, it might indicate that your boundaries need help.
You can’t set boundaries for the other person. Boundaries are personal. Do you respect the other’s boundaries? Do you even know what they are?
"Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets." Matthew 7:12
5. Listen well.
In a conversation, especially a heated one, you often want to be heard but don’t listen to the other party. Instead, you think about your rebuttal or what you want to say next.
As you want to be heard and acknowledged, so does your partner. Give your partner the gift of listening to what they are saying. Listen beyond the words to the wounds, emotions, or hidden issues. What they don’t say may better inform your understanding of the situation.
"Wise words bring many benefits, and hard work brings rewards. Fools think their own way is right, but the wise listen to others. A fool is quick-tempered, but a wise person stays calm when insulted." Proverbs 12:14-16
6. Exercise emotional intelligence.
If you struggle in this area, you are not alone. No one is born with this skill. It is learned by observation and repetition.
An article on PsychologyToday.com suggests that the best way to become more emotionally intelligent, empathetic, and attuned is to become more in tune with one's feelings. It’s a lifetime process, so be patient and keep practicing. You’ll get it.
"Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love." Ephesians 4:2
You can build a STABLE foundation after betrayal by practicing these six steps.
Kirsten D. Samuel understands first-hand the shock and pain of discovering your spouse’s porn use. As a coach, she has empowered hundreds of women to rediscover peace in the mess, heal their broken hearts, regain their confidence, and create a healthy path forward. Kirsten has been featured on the Focus on the Family Daily Broadcast, Chris Fabry Live on the Moody Radio Network, and many relationship and recovery podcasts. Women who work with her finally find the freedom to be who they are beyond their partner's struggles and find hope that there is a life worth living out there for them.
My book, From Guilt to Grace: Hope and Healing for Christian Moms of Addicted Children, is now available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. I am also offering free prayer cards and journal with purchase. Click on this link to access your complimentary gifts.
For much needed support and community, please join either of these Facebook groups. Christian Moms of Addicted Children and She Walks in Beauty.
Images by Wix
Bottom Image: Mockup by Canva
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