“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11 ESV
As my friend wept bitterly, I held her in my arms and cried with her. We were best friends since the age of 11, and now as adults, she was the first to lose a parent. Her mother had battled cancer for many years but eventually succumbed to the disease.
My friend was a nurse at the time, so she took on the responsibility of caretaking for her mother until the very end. According to her mother’s wishes, all her children gathered around her bedside in a makeshift hospice room in her home to say their final goodbyes.
Desiring to keep my distance out of respect for the family, I assured her during our many phone calls throughout the day that I would be there if she needed me for anything. When the call finally came asking me to come to be with her, I drove immediately to her mom’s home across town. As I made the trip, I cried out to the Lord and wept for my hurting and grieving friend. In my weakness, I didn't know if I would have the right words to say to console her, or even the right words to pray to comfort her. But Jesus did...
"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." Romans 8:26 ESV
“Lord. Please show me how to love and support my friend without getting in the way or overstepping my boundaries. Help me to encourage her siblings and stepfather who are grieving but respect their personal space and time with each other. More than anything, may You be glorified in this sacred space as they grieve the loss of their dear loved one. Amen.”
Comforting a Hurting or Grieving Friend
I cannot recall the words we exchanged in those last moments as her mom passed from this temporary home into her eternal dwelling place, but I do remember that being together brought us both comfort. Her mother had been like an aunt to me, always kind and loving. She went out of her way to make me feel like a part of the family. So, while my dear friend and sister grieved, I grieved along with her.
When we look back on those hours, days, and weeks following her mother’s death, my precious friend always thanks me for the love and support I showed her during those dark days. She reminds me that when she was too overwhelmed to drive home by herself the evening of her mother's passing, I instructed her to follow the taillights of my car, and I would get her home safely.
Eventually, it would be my turn to experience the deeply painful loss of my mother. As Jesus carried Mom through the valley of the shadow of death, I could only sit by as a spectator, celebrating her reunion with the loved ones who went before her, while selfishly praying for one more minute with her on this earth. It was then, my friend, although thousands of miles away, held my hand and reminded me to keep looking at her taillights. She would help guide me through this dark valley.
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Matthew 5:4 ESV
Throughout the years, I have sat with and held the hands of many heartbroken friends and family as they grieved the passing of someone they loved dearly. I have stood beside devastated moms and families who searched to no avail for their addicted or mentally ill child who was missing and perhaps dead. And I have mourned with others whose parent or grandparent no longer recognized them due to dementia or Alzheimer’s. Each time I felt small and inadequate. I fumbled for words that were never enough, praying the Lord would make up for what I lacked.
What I have come to learn through these experiences is that there is no way to fully prepare ourselves to support those suffering deep pain, loss, and trauma. We can only be present in these painful places and love the person who is hurting.
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 ESV
5 Ways to Encourage Our Hurting Friend
It can be painstaking to find the words to encourage someone who is grieving, depressed, and hurting. We may not fully understand what they are going through. We may feel powerless to do or say anything that brings them comfort. How can we help? Words are fleeting and the ones we do speak are not enough.
Along the way, the Lord has taught me a few things about supporting a friend in a crisis. I pray you will find them helpful as well.
Be a good listener. Your friend may just need a shoulder to cry on. A warm hug, a gentle nod. Listen attentively without trying to solve the problem. Be present for her.
“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak,” James 1:19 ESV
Pray for her. Ask the Lord to give you the words to speak. Her pain and depression are not too big for the Lord to handle. He knows what she needs before she asks for it.
“The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” James 5:16b ESV
Trust the Holy Spirit to guide you on how to comfort your friend. He knows her heart. He has come to bring her peace and to strengthen her. You don’t have to know what to do because He does.
“But you, beloved, building yourselves up in your most holy faith and praying in the Holy Spirit, keep yourselves in the love of God, waiting for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ that leads to eternal life.” Jude 1:20-21 ESV
Remind her who she is in Jesus Christ. Right now she may feel anger, despair, hopeless, or abandoned. Depression brings with it many painful and unexpected emotions. The enemy snags the opportunity to accuse God’s children when they are at their lowest. Do not let her forget whose she is and that He loves her very much.
“Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God—” John 1:12 NIV
Remind her she is not alone. She may need to hear this repeated often. Depression and grief cause us to want to isolate. Encourage her to get together with women who can help carry her through this. Offer to mentor or disciple her. Take her to Bible study, coffee, or to a support group. Encourage her to find a Christian counselor and offer to drive her. A word of caution here is that you can only do what you can do, but don’t give up on her. Keep trying.
“Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:12 NIV
Be encouraged as you seek to comfort your hurting or grieving friend. God loves her very much, and He wants to show her His love. Your friendship and empathy will go a long way in reminding her that she is not alone and that Jesus is with her. You can trust Him to lead you as you share His love with her.
Dear Healer of the Brokenhearted.
We ask you to help us be your hands and feet to those who are hurting and grieving. Comfort them as only you can. May we trust in your unfailing love to help as encourage our dear friend as they hurt and grieve. We praise you for your compassion and mercy towards those who are crushed in spirit. Teach us to love others as you love us. We pray this in Jesus’ name.
Amen.
From Guilt to Grace: Hope and Healing for Christian Moms of Addicted Children by Dawn R. Ward, published on September 17, 2024 is available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble.
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